Arrested
Before you start feeling sorry for me though… and although the incident with the shirts did actually happen, it isn’t actually the whole story. The truth is a little more complicated.
In actuality, I do happen to have an utterly stunning collection of shirts - I have my own tailor (Sam) who rustles me up little silk numbers at vast expense. Earlier today I went to seem him and blew another $1200, and I only went out to look at some books… and I was wearing just such a shirt when I found myself four-sheets-to-the-wind in Courtney Place at 3am the other night.
I’d been round every place that would still serve me, and a fair few that wouldn’t… gave $600 dollars (in a moment of drunken largesse) to some tramps and for some reason gave a massive cubic-zirconia diamond to the bouncer of the karaoke place in Cuba St. I was making my way down Courtney Place when I spotted some policemen with someone spread-eagled over the bonnet of a car… so naturally I went over to offer my assistance.
In my mind I was as austere and circumspect as The Earl Of Montrose in this:
But on reflection, I was probably more like the bounty hunter in this:
Both of whom are played by John Hurt (who is a genius) and both of which are excellent movies but more on that later.
They didn’t see the funny side. They’ve got no sense of humour NZ police, and they’ve all got moustaches. Why? Why would they do that? It’s like deliberately growing a massive eyebrow over your mouth. Fucking weird man… and it fucks with your sense of humour.
“Mr Taylor. You have the right to remain silent and…”
“No YOU have the right to remain silent”
“Please don’t interupt. You have the right…”
“No YOU have the right to remain silent”, I said, twirling a fore-finger under his nose.
Then they hand-cuffed me and told me to wait over there.
I was outraged. Do they not know who I am? I demanded my rights etc. I demanded to know their names, ranks and serial numbers… they were not amused (but were forced by HM’s law to comply). They said that they were going to take me down to the station. I was even less amused than they were. The situation was rapidly worsening.
I waited in the street with my hands behind my back muttering and cursing.
Then the big policeman (the one with the hat) turned up to assess the situation. I think they probably figured out that I was going to turn into a massive pain in the arse, and although there was a degree of chest-beating going on, they decided it would be better to get me to piss off. They gave me a warning and told me to go away.
I wasn’t going to have that. I told them then and there that I was most certainly going to lodge a formal complaint with their superiors and that their conduct had been outrageous. Unfortunately though… the next day I couldn’t actually remember what it was that I wanted to complain about… and although I’m not a lawyer, I suspect fairly strongly that this might weaken my case somewhat.
So after a brief, but devastatingly scathing speech (that nearly got me arrested again). I tottered off to another bar, then woke up the next day, dead.
So that was that.
Anyway, the first movie above is Rob Roy, which is utterly brilliant on account of Tim Roth playing the most dastardly villain to ever grace the screen… and that clip has possibly the best sword fight in cinematic history. He’s a vicious fop and utterly brilliant.
The second is from The Proposition - which is probably the best cowboy movie ever, even though it was set in Australia - and it was written by Nick Cave who is a sort of rock-star. “Look-a-yonderrrrrr, Look-a-yonderrrrrrr” he goes. “A big black cloud come”. Marvellous.
I went on earlier about charisma… and Nick Cave’s got it. I went to Reading Festival (UK) every year for about 15 years… there are generally skinny blokes playing indie pop during the day and their presence evaporates at about 10 or 15 yards. Nick Cave is the only person I’ve seen who’s got the charisma to hold down a 30,000 capacity venue on his own in broad daylight.
The man’s a god… and when I lived in Brighton, he used to shop at the same supermarket as me.
