This is where I hang out most of the time.
They make me coffee and so on. It’s their way of telling me they like me. This is my home town. S’nice.
Me: Wealthy, Athletic, Sensitive, Rugged Good Looks… You : GSOH
A while back (actually, quite a while back) I signed up with this dating site because I fancied one of the chicks on it. She was from Holland - lecturing at Oxford University at the time, which seemed ideal because I used to live in Oxford, I’ve been to university, I like Dutch girls. What could possibly go wrong?
Nothing in the end. She decided she’d had enough of being hassled by weirdos and abandoned the whole thing before I even met her, which was a shame because I’m more or less greatish, and everyone else is rubbish and why would she have them when she could have me? Hmm? What’s the matter with her? I don’t understand it. Mindless fucking bimbo. Unbelievable
Anyway, I found this earlier - it’s the “about me” blurb… and not bad as these things go - certainly not as bad as some of the subsequent ones I’ve written. I’d go out with me. If I wasn’t a bloke, or if I was gay, and a bit tasteless.
Anyway, here it is:
Kiwi ratbag of uncertain pedigree. Disgraced former guitar player and half-arsed best-seller writer. Quite good at drawing owls. Can Ski, can’t cook (well, doesn’t like to try really). From a large sprawling and mildly eccentric family, all of whom live in NZ. (not hobbits)
I’m currently working as a freelance software developer (ie: sit in the sun and look out the window at the sea all day). Idly contemplating doing something else, but I’m really good at this stuff and it is quite nice being useful. It’s an entrepreneurial lottery ticket of sorts as well which adds a certain sparkle that noteably absent when I worked in the Nike warehouse.
For fun… recently, whirlwind trips to Europe, back to NZ once a year or so. An ideal life in many ways, only I’m doing it on my own.
Loves : Cats, Sunshine, Elliot Smith, The Cohen Brothers, unnervingly random Asian cinema, travelling, Lake Rotopounamu, Henry Wriothesley, evenings, sushi, that statue of Anonymous in Budapest, language, songs in C that drop down to Em, mountains, C-beams glittering in the dark, Pina-colada and getting caught in the rain etc.
Dislikes : Wires (a blessing and a curse), queues, ringtones, lifestyle-advertising, MTV.
Interested in : History, politics, people, art.. echos and interference patterns.
Not terribly interested in : Shower-curtain-rings, motor-vehicle-insurance, the comparative merits of cellphones, celebrities
The Devil’s Eco Boat.
Eco boat.
There’s no way that this isn’t a baddy’s boat. Look at the state of it. Who the fuck designed that? It looks like something that Dick Darstardly would drive.
These peopel are crackpots.
Moonbats
This is Rocknroll Dreams by Meatloaf with Angelina Jolie in it which is kindof cool, because she’s now more famous than he is, and her dad was in Deliverance which is cool as well…. “tweedle ing-ding, ing-ding, ing-ding ding” it goes. “twadle ank-dang, ank-dang, ank-dang dang”. Marvellous.
Anyway. The beginning is EXACTLY THE SAME (almost) as Sisters of The Moon by Fleetwood Mac… which you can hear here:
But which is one of those slightly annoying fan ones - although at least this time they didn’t superimpose it over the soppy bits from Dr Who
Coincidence? You decide.
Anyway, whatever. Fleetwood Mac.
In the 70s every middle-class family in the world had “that” album - Fleetwood Mac acquired this kindof “The Good Life” (UK comedy from the 70s about self-sufficient farming in suburbia) vibe… but for a while there they fucking rocked. They were over-the-top. The did it. Properly.
They out-drank, out-drugged and generally out-shambled anyone and everyone that made ‘taking it to the limit’ their thing, and top of that, their songs were about catastrophic emotional fuckups happening within the band at the time, so they got to sing the love/hate songs looking across the stage to the very people who were doing their heads in, and were stuck in the studio with them 18 hours a day etc… And they went for it.
Check this out:
Check out how Mick Fleetwood starts the same song… that’s him playing the drums at the same time as downing a bottle of beer… then again (which is the funny bit) about 1.30 mins in. I look at that guy’s face in this clip and realise I haven’t even started.
I would use that version as the main example… but then Stevie Nicks changes the fucking tune. Why do people do that? It does my head in. I’ve been in bands where the singer does that. It’s like they don’t understand their own song.
In this one the whole point of the verse is to create the landscape from which springs a single note - like a single pure blue ray of light…. where she sings “to meeee….” (she’s a bit self-obsessed is Stevie). Anyway, if this the song’s in Em it should be a high e. All lines lead to that point… hit that note and hang on to it like an orgasm. Fucking about with the tune is like bungling a wank… where that thing happens when you suddenly have this overwhelming impression that all your dead family members are looking down on you right at the crucial bit. (the correct technical term for this phenomena is “Ancestral Wank”).
It’s a bit like Ceiling Cat
It’s just not right.
Midnight in the Garden of Earthly Delight :: Small Fish, Big Sea.
I drew some flowers earlier. They’re designed to be looked at in the dark… there are dark on dark subtleties etc.
Anti-procrastination thing
Yea, alright whatever, I finally got around to sorting out the anti-procrastination thing that I’ve been going on about recently… and have put it here http://www.anti-procrasti.com. I don’t know why I called it that… it’s a bit like ‘anti-pasti’ I guess, which is a starter course similar to hors d’Å“uvre in Italy, and sometimes has artichoke in it.
It looks a bit like this : 
It basically works on the principle that if you don’t know what you’re going to do next, you spend less time pratting about doing other things trying to avoid doing it, which is nothing short of genius if you ask me. A hidden todo list in other words.
Anyway it’s got a 300kb image as a background thing which ought to fuck up a few people… I’ve included a zip thing that you can download so you can do with it what you will etc - and put a picture of your own there or something. It runs locally - all client-side.
So there you go.
This is the shirt that I wore today… a while back when I went on about blowing about a thousand dollars on them (the day I was arrested by that dip-shit policeman)… yea, well anyway. This is one of them. I’m not wearing it now. I had to take it off to scan it.
If you click it, it does the lightbox thing.
How to get back with your ex after she’s taken out a restraining order against you.
Having trouble convincing her of your sincerity?
Wanting to ask her “that” question but having trouble keeping a straight face?
Has she taken a restraining order out against you?
Fuck flowers - they’re for conniving ponces, and if she actually ate all the chocolates you’d need to give her, she’d never get through the door - forget about that, get one of these:
Only a fucking blood-writing pen innit! Genius!
If that fails you could write another one with semen in the hope that some of them might escape and get her pregnant… if that’s what you want to do (though I’m not sure that I’d advise it at this point in your relationship).
A better bet (and you’ll thank me for this one) would be to send about 80,000 blank pieces of paper and tell her (via text or whatever) that you’ve poured your heart out and written her a letter with your own tears - so it might be a bit hard to read. She’ll read between the lines though, and she’ll know you’re serious.
Personally, I use my one mainly for writing piss-letters to the banks etc. I wonder if you can get piss printer cartridges? That could come in handy. A quill is quite… well, it’s not efficient really. If you had a precious-bodily-fluid printer cartridge then you could do a mail-merge and send out a load of them at once.