IkoStar

The NPG

We just went to the National Portrait gallery, because that’s the sort of bloke we are.

The annual portrait competition was on again (as it was last year, and the year before) and the only one I liked was the one that won second prize, which I liked better than the first prize one on account of the woman looking a bit grumpy. In fact the only one in the whole exhibition that didn’t look a bit grumpy was the one I liked which came second, behind the first, which was too grumpy. What’s the matter with these people? Why do they all look so fucked up?

The one I liked was of a kid who was with his main friend, a pet monkey made out of wool. Both looked, if not cheerful, then at least calm and level-headed, apart from the monkey who looked a bit scatty.

I would (of course) provide photos, but can’t because they ban cameras, being the memetic eugenecists that they are… utterly self-defeating and pointless - dooming thingummy-what-ever-her name was to a life of obscurity because the thought-police have neutered the meme. We saw that Henry Wriothsley again as well… an unneutered meme (that one however) because it’s escaped onto the internet (mainly because of me)… although I would’ve liked to have taken a much bigger picture. I did ask, but they wouldn’t let me. And you know what? The bus on the way there had TEN fucking CCTV cameras on it (I counted them : 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10. 10!) . Where’s my permission for that then eh? They’re all in it together these people. Control freaks.

Here instead is a picture of someone else… snatching the moment… photo-bombing photo-bombing or whatever you call it.

A (soon to be taken over by ugly, mean little American frat-boys) thing for which (in these fast, fleeting moments) I find so funny that on several occasions now I’ve laughed until I literally died, and when I’ve woken up, it’s taken about 15 minutes to work out what happened - same thing as the standinguptoofastthenhyperventilating experiment I did a while back next to a lake.

Whatever.

There’s an escalator that goes up the side of the NPG - and (although it’s quite posh there) it’s one of those ones where the handrail goes faster than the bit that you stand on… so you start off more or less upright, but wind up completely horizontal, being dragged along, holding on with your fingernails etc. The caf at the top is quite good though so it’s worth the extra effort. We saw that John Snow up there once, and he’s much taller than he is in real life, and something of a hero of mine - even though he quite often wears quirky ties. I prefer sober ties - or no tie at all in fact. I do have some fairly pissed shirts though, so perhaps I ought not complain.

(some fact-checking occurs)

Actually, forget about every thing I said above. None of the above is true, apart from the thing about the escalator - The NPG have put all the pictures online, so an unreserved apology there then. This is the one I liked :

The ones with the 2nd and 3rd prizes on them seem to be different from the ones in the actual gallery - but like, what do I know?. Consistency is for insects. Maybe I read the signs wrong. Anyway, the full list is here , but as I was saying, everyone looks a bit… you know, fucked.

Is it the recession?

My favourite one of these (of all time) ever is this :

… which in real life is massive, and she’s beautiful and from Syria : http://www.sarashamma.com and paints excellent pictures of herself. Man, I can’t even take decent photographs of myself. I look like this:

Which is truly frightening, especially if you turn out to be me. It’s like being stuck permanently photo-bombing your own photographs, and there’s nothing you can do about it. The more you try to self-correct, the worse it goes, believe you me.