IkoStar

We found this picture of a lion on the internet the other day and it looks exactly like this girl I was in love once with called Laura.

She didn’t look exactly like this obviously. She had her hair in a pony tail, and lions don’t have their hair in pony tails because the long haired ones are male and they’re into metal and drive Camaros and are a bit sensitive about other lions thinking they’re gay. Female lions have short hair, which is like the opposite of what normal people do, but not always. I’m talking about lesbians. I had my hair in a pony tail once when I used to sell African Exotica on Portobello road.

But that was quite a while ago and I don’t think there’s any need to read anything more into it than that. It’s just one of those things etc. Just one of those things.

Anyway, Laura was beautiful and had a croaky voice which made her even more beautiful than she already was - which was already beautiful. I was so in love with her I could hardly believe it. She could speak Chinese as well, which is indescribably cool. Everything about her was off-the-dial excellent. Luckily I didn’t ever get up the courage or whatever to tell her how in love with her I was, so the whole thing didn’t turn into an embarrasing fiasco etc, but for a year or so she was like, you know. The One. She was the jewel in the fermament. The aspadistra of the mountains etc. A sequin in life’s blurred bayeux.

Still, that was a while back and we went in different directions - but now she’s turned up on Facebook

which is annoying because I only just got myself deleted from Facebook (on account of it being run by the CIA) and it was no mean feat either. I had to specifically write to them… and they said they’d done it, but when I checked back 6 months later I was still there… so I wrote again, wording things a little more forcefully and they did it properly this time… but now Laura and that other one (who I was on about before) have both turned up on Facebook so I’ve had to craftily sneak back and re-join with a secret identity.

This one - which isn’t such a big secret now I suppose, now that I’ve told everyone on the whole internet about it - but I’m not a terribly commited stalker anyway (and being a stalker is all about commitment). I really don’t have the attention-span for that sort of thing and the only time I’ve logged into this account was when I first set it up and I was fairly drunk anyway, and now I’ve lost interest. The photo is me wearing a disguise - which I don’t think anyone will see through except the girl who took it (who’s also on facebook, but isn’t Laura or the other one) but I’m not too bothered about that because I’ve already fucked things up with her so badly that there isn’t much left to try out etc. This photo stands testament to that in itself. WTF?

What bothers me though is that my fake identity doesn’t have any friends, which is a bit sad if you ask me. It isn’t easy though… I mean having imaginary friends is second-nature. Everyone does it. Trying to make real friends when you yourself are imaginary is a different kettle of fish altogether - and while you might think I’d just be able to make friends with other imaginary people (yes, yes, I knew you were going to say that), it’s not always so easy to recognise them because EVERYONE wears disguises one way or another. That’s where the word Personality comes from… Persona - which is Greek for “to hide your hat under a bushell”. In those days Facebook was all done with clay tablets and scrolls and whatnot and was probably called Physogscroll, which is Greek for Facebook.

Which kindof leaves me back where I started.

So anyway. I’ve composed a small poem which expresses what I feel so much more eloquently than that other song about Laura ever could. It’s a haiku.

Laura Laura Laura
You have a glowing Aura
And remind me of various Fauna
and Flora
Oh Laura

Oh Laura Laura Laura
I first sawyer in the foyer
Oh Laura Laura Laura
Laura Laura
oh Laura

The second verse isn’t as good as the first… and I’m not sure that Haiku’s are supposed to have verses anyway so in future I might leave that off - or just have a chorus like the one off Hey Jude or whatever.

When I was a kid, the witch off this was the scariest person I knew.

And I still think she’s a little bit scary now as it happens.

The Pogles don’t seem to be too scared though. They have a magic hat and they wind up turning her into a teaspoon or a fairy or something. I’ve still got a Pippin the Pogle glove puppet from when I was 4 somewhere. (goes Off to find it)

see. There it is.

My mum made him for me.

Anyway - I was thinking about scary people the other day… I compiled a bit of a list:

The Browns

Not really that scary… a bit scary maybe. They seem like nice people I think, they just don’t have any way of expressing themselves other than going completely insane.

Steve Balmers

Steve Balmers is a nutjob. He goes bananas etc. A banana nutjob. He’s not really that scary either though - unless you get stuck in a lift with him, and then you’re fucked. It would be like going over Niagra Falls in a barrel. With a bull in a china shop. On steroids and whatnot. A sweaty one. That fancies you.

Scientologists

“What are your crimes?” they go. Marvellous. “Your crimes? What are they?”

They’re a bit more scary I think, especially as today is the 30th anniversary of 918 people killing themselves in the Jonestown Massacre - and they’re basically the same thing aren’t they?… No. Probably not, but there is a genuine snow-blind disconnect with reality that’s morphed into something quite aggressive and paranoid and judgemental.

But anyway, if you put all the ones above lot into a blender with a load of jello, mixed it all up, then divided it by the number of them that there are (to get the average etc)… then added quite a lot more more Jello and some breadcrumbs, you get this:

which is actually very scary indeed.

.

So back to the beginning again. Witches.

(Sven Geruschkat. Genius)

Why are witches so scary? I mean I can understand spiders and the aliens off Aliens… they would actually eat you etc. But witches? What do they do? Turn you into a frog? I don’t think that’s very realistic do you? They’re like clowns. You don’t know what they’re going to do, they’re just scary.

My Mum’s a school teacher and she can’t tell stories with witches in them any more because there are Christians at the school and if the kids go home and tell their parents that they’ve listened to a story about witches, the parents perform exorcism rituals on them (I shit you not)… which is kindof scarier than the witch story was in the first place I imagine.

I mean really, on balance, Christians are a lot scarier than witches… if you look at the history of it all etc - the number of people who have been burned or drowned or tortured to death vs the number of people turned into frogs or newts or whatever. A lot scarier - they’re like scientologists all dressed up like Baldrik, with pitchforks and flaming torches etc hanging around outside your house… but still, there’s something about witches… not the wiccan ones (who are actually a bit glam) but the archetype of the old woman… The Fates etc. Hecate and co. Shakespeare had them didn’t he. “Heh heh heh” they went. Brrrr. There’s another one here:

That’s that Kiefer Sullivan’s dad - in case you’re worried he was also (later on) that Mr. Bennet in Pride and Predjudice which even though it looked as though it was older, was actually quite a bit later than the one here, so he definately survived.

Witches are all tied up with asphyxiation and immobility. Maybe it’s a derivation of a spider-cult… from back in the days when there were 13 seasons - A year and a day and so on. 13*28+1… not being able to run or breathe. It’s like a dream thing. A spry, mad, wiry little monster from inner space - a white-eyed angler of knots and wind and dirty knuckle-bones.

You can’t run cos she’s already in you.

Aliens

Earthlings

It looks like someone over there ——>

has invented a robot that looks like a fat, cartoon darth-vader flea, which wanders about in the dark and whenever it hits an obstacle it fills the air with expletives.

Which is fair enough in my opinion. That’s what I do whenever I hit an obstacle… I swear blue bloody murder. I yell blood and fire at whatever obstacle it was etc. Idiot.

This isn’t my fault. I’m a product of the Blame Culture… that’s what we do: we blame, and there’s nothing any of us can do about it…. but like, whatever. I notice from the page that this comes from that you have to make up your own swearwords which kindof sucks - does it not have a mind of it’s own?… and then it says “Warning: Parents can hear what Insultabotz is saying just as easily as you can” and then “Double warning: Parents can record messages just as easily as you can”.

Well, what’s the point of that? I would’ve thought that the whole point of these things was to fill them up with profanities so extreme they’d make the devil himself lose control of his bowels… or at the very least cause that moron from next door who shall remain nameless (simon robinson) (who dribbles) to scream and run away crying etc, too traumatised to tell anyone what happened (and anyway, who would believe him?) - just sitting there, ashen-faced, rocking back and forth, refusing to speak etc. That would be cool. But what do they do instead? They preprogram them with embedded parental-monitoring mind control. The whole thing is an exercise in self-censorship. That’s the last thing children need.

Swearbots? Arsebots. That’s what I call them. I could do so much better than that.

So I’m thinking of starting up a sideline in pre-programmed swearbots… or better still, have a whole tyrannical army of them that I control with psychokinesis from my fortress of solitude and whatnot. They invade the unsuspecting earth crashing into things and swearing and fucking everything up.

That would be so cool I can hardly stand it.

Dude, you did it.